He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
