My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
