I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
