Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
what day is it and did you see me today?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
