I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
