i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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