Well apparently he's into motor boating.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
