he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
