The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
