watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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