somebody snuck up and got me drunk
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
