he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
