Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
