I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
We talked him into tasing himself.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
