Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
