I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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