That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Randomize
