Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
