so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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