I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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