I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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