hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
