foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
