He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
