I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Best friends brother. Beat that.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
