the condom got lost in my hair
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
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