He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
