Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
