How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
