my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
