drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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