Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize