god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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