I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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