Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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