probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
