and she was petting her beer can
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
