she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
