I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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