11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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