at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
