Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
