Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
