Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
