The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
