there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
