Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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