Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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