I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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