News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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