i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
